58 Thoughts I have on a First Date
1. This date is going to be so great.
2. I look cuteeeeee as hell.
3. He will be here any minute now.
4. One quick touch up and I am ready to go.
5. He is fashionably late. That’s fine, I need to pee anyways.
6. I hope he looks like his dating profile picture.
7. Hm, ten minutes ago we were supposed to leave. I will just shoot him a quick text.
8. Let me know when you’re here!
9. Twenty minutes late…and no reply. He is probably just stuck in traffic.
10. OK THIRTY MINUTES IS NO EXCUSE THIS DUMB FUCK IS ABOUT TO BE CALLED OU-
11. He’s here!
12. Oh he’s so handsome, I was totally over reacting about him being a little late.
13. I have forgotten how to speak English. Great.
14. Chill, let’s go over the basic’s: siblings, college, work.
15. Oh no, how has he managed to already bring up his ex-girlfriend 3 times in this short conversation? I’d rather sit in silence.
16. Finally, we’re at the restaurant.
17. This is a nice restaurant, good taste.
18. Why is there such an awkward pause occurring?
19. Wine. I need wine.
20. *gulps half the glass of wine the moment he initiates conversation*
21. Well, I am tipsy.
22. Alright, good topics are finally coming up. Maybe this isn’t so bad.
23. Or maybe I am drunk.
24. I wonder where our waitress is, I am starving.
25. Ok, focus on what he is saying!
26. Oh lord, he’s talking about his ex again.
27. Do you think he’d notice if I went to the bathroom, and never returned?
28. I could be at home, in leggings, watching New Girl.
29. Finally, food.
30. Trying to remain in conversation while eating a meal is way more difficult than it looks.
31. This is why they never eat anything on the Bachelor.
32. It’s not cute.
33. First dates should never be over dinner. There has to be something else we could have done.
34. I could eat it all really fast and then talk after.
35. *begins shoving food into the back of my throat*.
36. He’s starring.
37. Whatever, I want this to end already.
38. DONE!
39. Let’s get that bill, buddy.
40. Dang, he eats so slow. We’ve been here forever.
41. Maybe I will talk about my politics, that’ll make him want to hurry up and leave.
42. Why does he find this to be so interesting?
43. Why can’t I stop talking?
44. How did this even happen?
45. Pull yourself together, woman!
46. This is seriously why I am single.
47. I have no first date boundaries.
48. Alright, he has officially glanced at my tits one too many times.
49. Finally, the torture is over.
50. Please don’t walk me to my car.
51. And he’s walking me to my car.
52. Oh no, is he going in for a kiss?
53. Side swipe him with the hug.
54. How do I tell him I never want to see him again?
55. *Locks car doors*
56. Well, that sucked.
57. I am done with dating.
58. *opens Bumble*.
Lesson Learned: Dating is hard.
