I’m Moving (again)!

I almost lost my chance of living the life I want in the name of being afraid.

I had been stating I wanted to move out of Illinois for four years. Four years I put off taking that step forward, even though I really wanted to live in the south, because I was scared.

Fear physically froze me in place.

Within those four years I butchered relationships by keeping people at arm’s length because I claimed I was ‘moving’ soon. I struggled with happiness because I felt like I was meant to be somewhere else. I was angry at myself for not prioritizing my wants. I became jealous of people who celebrated moving to a new state, because that’s what I so badly wanted. And it made me miss out on moments of my life because I had a dream I was putting off all because I was afraid.

Yet, I still wasn’t moving.

I always found an excuse; ‘I need to find a job first’, ‘I need to save more money’, ‘I’ll move next year after I go visit and find a place’, ‘I fell in love’, and so on. In reality, familiarity, comfort zones, and security trumped moving and I was ashamed to admit that.

The unknown is a terribly scary place for me. Moving forced me to reevaluate who I am when nobody is looking. It pushed me to re-visit my boundaries, wants, expectations, and needs. It prompted me to choose myself even if it meant breaking my own heart over and over again.

Since June 2021 I’ve moved from Chicago to McHenry, McHenry to Fort Myers, Fort Myers to Cape Coral, and as of today Cape Coral to Saint Petersburg.

That’s right, I’m moving again. I’m uprooting myself from the small comfort zones I created in the last few months; from the friends I’ve made; from the home I know; from the small community I’ve built around myself.

I’m breaking my damn heart again.

Maybe that sounds dramatic, but it hurts to start over, to be lonely, to feel lost in a world where human connection is substantial.

So, why am I moving you ask?

Because I am my first priority and I came all this way to live in Saint Petersburg, FL.

So, I’m not giving up on my goals this time around, I’m not waiting this time. I’m going after what I feel is necessary without apologizing, without procrastinating, without wasting another year out of fucking fear.

I’ve recently been listening to the Motivational Mind Podcast by Scott Lynch, and he said something that stuck with me, he said, “doing hard things will lead to an easy life, doing easy things will lead to a hard life.”

I plan to continue to do the hard things. I want to look back four years from now and be proud of myself for going after everything I’ve ever wanted. It doesn’t have to be permanent, but I have to try so I never wonder what would have happened if I did everything I said I would do.

Here’s to another new chapter. Another step forward to becoming the woman I promised myself  I will be. She is brave, she prioritizes her goals, she doesn’t stand in her own way, she is a writer, she built a community around her dream life, she never regrets the decisions she makes because she trusts herself, she is me and I am her.